Governor Walker Pledges Pre-Emptive Strike Against Himself

 

In a bold, yet unorthodox ploy to bolster his faltering bid to capture the GOP nomination, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker promised to launch pre-emptive military strikes to counter any potential threats to the United States, including himself.

Speaking at a gathering of Republican leaders in Oklahoma last Thursday, Walker stated “It’s not if another attempt is made on American soil, it is when.” He said he’d “take the fight to them before they take the fight to us.”

However, the second-term Governor and Tea-Party darling didn’t stop there. “But that’s just common sense. Anybody can talk tough about fighting threats overseas. What separates me from my colleagues running for the nomination is I am willing to make the tough calls to stop threats already inside our borders.”

Gov Walker then placed a hand over his heart. “For example, my own attacks on public sector unions, slashes to education funding, flagrant attempts to disenfranchise poor and minority voters, my refusal to accept the Medicaid expansion, and the frontal assault on women’s reproductive rights that I’ve been waging against the good people of Wisconsin can only be understood as a sort of economic terrorism, the effects of which will be felt for generations by the children of the rubes who elected me three times in four years.”

“If the American people were, heaven forbid, to actually select me as their next President and allow the policies that have ravaged the once great state of Wisconsin to extend to all three-hundred million U.S. citizens, well…” A visibly shaken Walker paused to collect himself before continuing. “The consequences of that just don’t bear thinking about. Which is why I pledge, here and now, that if elected, my first act as President will be to bring the full force of the U.S. military to bear against all enemies facing our great nation, be they ISIS, a nuclear-armed Iran, a resurgent Russia, or in my case the newest resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.”

When pressed about the possibility of using nuclear weapons to meet the danger posed by his own administration, Walker said, “No options are off the table. People just don’t appreciate the scale of the threat we’re facing here.”